How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
