I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
