the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
