you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
