It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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