I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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