no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
