I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
