If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
