can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
