someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
