There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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