My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
