i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
