so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
