Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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