she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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