stop calling my apartment porn island.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
