This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
