ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
cat food counts as protein by the way
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
