home. puking in laundry basket.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
