accomplished twins. life is a go
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
