did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
