This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
