Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
