Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
