This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
