Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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