Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
