Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
