I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
