the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize