Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
