piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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