i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
