my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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