i wish my penis had a tongue
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
