This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
