Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
