he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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