I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
