He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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