You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
