I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
People in love make me want to vomit
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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