You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
