Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
