I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
