She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
