I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
