why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
