when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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