Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
