my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
