I'm gonna have a badass scar
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
