I heard we made out
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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