I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
