Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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