Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
